Thursday, 14 May 2009

What’s Up Doc?

Background info: 1) I am obsessive compulsive; 2) One of my compulsive obsessions is matching outfits with accessories (earrings, shoes, glasses, watches, bags, hairpins, even lighters and pens for god’s sake!); 3) Although I must be close to the number of glasses Elton John has (but not quite there yet, as mine fit in only one suitcase!), I still feel compelled to renew my colourful glassescollection with yet another shade of this or that colour, which will obviously match this or that outfit even better than any of the other ones.

This having been said, the story goes like this:

Last week I walked into my regular optician’s, to have her take a look at the last pair of glasses I had bought from her (I bought them because I wanted olive-green frames, but since then, everybody had been commenting on my mustard glasses. I could have blamed that on my failing eyesight, but they were rubbing against my right ear rather painfully after a few days, so they had to be bent a bit, whatever their true colour). As soon as the blond shop assistant saw me walking towards the entrance to the shop, she started hopping up and down, pulling the other woman’s sleeve and squeaking: ‘It’s her! It’s her!’ I looked behind and around me, but I was the only one in sight, so I shrugged and asked: ‘I’m me?

Almost out of breath with excitement, Blondie explained that she had been trying to explain to her boss for weeks which of their clients she had seen on TV, and just couldn’t make her understand it was me. ‘Anyway, you have a lovely voice, Miss’, she concluded. I mumbled some words of thanks to her compliment, but actually thought to myself ‘Oh shit! Not another one!

At the end of March I went to Opium Studio (a club in the vicinity of Opiumthe ProTV building - which explains why they were filming there in the first place!). We were quite a big gang, booked 2 tables and made a lot of noise, drank a lot of alcohol and generally had a smashing time, never once caring about what anyone else in there thought about us (or our voices, as it turned out!).

Just after 10 pm, to get the karaoke atmosphere started, the DJ made the huge mistake of randomly giving out two microphones. I grabbed one and didn’t let go of it until after 3 am, when (against my will) my friends dragged me out of the place and the DJ snatched the mic from my clutching talons. I was having a great time (as I later saw myself confessing on TV!!). Of course, the flowing Bacardi and Coke helped relax me and even induced this confidence-boosting illusion that I could actually sing and that everyone in the club was delighted (and certainly honoured) to have the privilege of listening to me bellowing into that Karaokemicrophone for hours on end. Whatever the song, whichever the lyrics, whatever the language, regardless of whether I had ever heard the song before or if some poor clubber had requested it and was trying hard to scream even louder into their microphone, so they could cover me.

I had been mildly aware that a bright light was constantly shining in my face and that someone had been filming the whole evening, but I just supposed the club owners were making a video to post on the club website. Towards morning, this little lady with a microphone of her own (!!!) came up to me and asked if she could interview me for her show on ProTV – What’s Up Doc? It turns out she was doing an episode on how people lose weight while singing, by exercising their face and stomach muscles. So, still clutching the microphone and swinging my Bacardi glass, I explained to her about singing and other important aspects of life. However, she only chose to insert two of my words of wisdom in the broadcasted footage (probably because they had been the only two intelligible phrases I uttered in my respective state of advanced lack of sobriety). See for yourselves:

Now, coming back to the Blondie optician, I wonder if it was a new sales technique, to persuade me to buy a bigger pair of sun-glasses, just in case I do become a celebrity and people start recognizing me on the street… It worked! Which reminds me… I have to rush over to collect my new glasses! Ta!

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